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mitch hedberg

Mitch Hedberg would have been 43 years old today. Perhaps one of the best stand-up’s ever behind of course Bill Hicks.

A breakout comedian who used a lot of one-liners, like Steven Wright with a more laid back delivery. He was known for his monotone voice and rose-colored aviator glasses. He specialized in wordplay, non sequiturs and observational comedy. He made a few appearances on a handful of TV shows and did some voice work for Home Movies.

Because he suffered from stage fright, Hedberg often performed wearing sunglasses, with his head down, with his hair in his face or with his eyes closed in order to avoid eye contact with the audience. He would often stand upstage or perform with his back to the audience. He would also constantly move in one spot and, when holding the microphone in some skits, his nervousness would cause him to shake it uncontrollably.

Hedberg occasionally added disclaimers to the end of a joke to let the audience know that he shared their judgment of it, most notably acknowledging when jokes were poorly delivered or received with a resigned “all right.” He also toyed with audiences that failed to respond in the way he had intended them to, occasionally quipping, “That joke’s better than you acted.” During recordings for CDs, he would often say that he would find a way to edit a failed gag to make it seem well received, for example by “adding laughter” to a failed joke containing arithmetic. Following such a failure on Strategic Grill Locations, Hedberg suggested, “All right…that joke is going to be good because I’m going to take all the words out and add new words. That joke will be fixed.”

My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is ndeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should have just said, ‘Yeah.’” —Mitch Hedberg

“If carrots got you drunk, Rabbits would be fucked up.” – Mitch Hedberg

I’m tired of following my dreams! I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
—Mitch Hedberg

You know they call corn-on-the-cob “corn-on-the-cob” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn-off-the-cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch.” But then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together!” —Mitch Hedberg

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut… end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here… oh, wait it’s at home… in the file… under ‘D’… for doughnut.” —Mitch Hedberg

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?’ —Mitch Hedberg

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls… but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, “Fuck it, cut em up!” —Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is “dry-clean only”…which means it’s dirty. —Mitch Hedberg

I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they’d say “that fucker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!” Mothers saying to their daughters, “don’t bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?” —Mitch Hedberg

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man! I don’t know how I get away with it.
“I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.”
“So do I.”
“Well let’s form a club then.”
“Okay, but we need some more stipulations.”
“Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again.”
“Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips.”
“Or potato salad.”
“Okay. Lemme ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?”
“I’m for ‘em!”
“Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide!” —Mitch Hedberg